What Does One Do with Strawberry-Flavored Marshmallows? (in which I present: a review)

It was a bright and sunny afternoon.

I was peacefully browsing Target last Wednesday when I came across an unmarked stash of 90% off summer goods. Among the (worthless-to-me) plastic glasses and child-sized watering cans I made an interesting find: A smooshy bag of fruity-flavored mallows, for $.14. I couldn’t pass them up, even though a part of my brain was screaming something at my subconscious about them “not being real food.”

(Aside: I am currently participating in a “wellness” program at my place of employment, and I think it is beginning to affect my brain.)

But seriously, $.14. I was practically obligated to get them. You know, consumerism and all that.

Kraft Jet-Puffed Strawberry Marshmallows

Once home, however, I faced reality. What was I going to do with my perhaps ill-fated purchase?

Sighing, I idly flipped the marshmallow bag over, and, conveniently, a recipe for Strawberry Crispy Squares stared back at me.

I immediately knew what I had to do.

So, I hauled out my store-brand “crisp rice” (complete with terrifying packaging) and apprehensively rolled up my sleeves (figuratively, of course; it is summertime).

creepy meijer brand crisp rice

I was hesitant and wary but yet strangely hopeful. Perhaps this red-dye and chemical-laden food could be turned into something…wonderful…after all.

However, the process was not very reassuring. My heart grew heavy as I stared glumly into a steaming mix of margarine and mallow. Ew, I thought profoundly.

P1030548

Wanting to put this ordeal behind me, I began to work quickly. I deftly poured 6 cups of crisp rice into the dubious-looking mallow mixture and stirred vigorously.

Strawberry Marshmallow Rice Crispies

Once each grain of crispy rice was sufficiently coated, I ladled giant spoonfuls into my waiting 9×13. Spritzing a spatula with some canola oil, I pressed the sticky mass down, taming it.

Strawberry Marshmallow Rice Crispies

It is over, I thought.

But then I realized–it wasn’t over. I still needed to consume this strange concoction.

Trembling slightly, I hoisted a sticky morsel to my reluctantly-waiting mouth.

And you know what?

It was pretty good.

My enjoyment surprised me.

I took a second bite and a subtle berry flavor blossomed once again upon my taste buds.

Yes, I thought. This will do.

In summary: $.14 for Kraft’s Jet-Puffed Strawberry Marshmallows is an adequate price to pay. More? Perhaps not. There is, of course, no substitute for classic, pure-white mallows in all their rice crispy glory. But in a pinch (or in a situation where one has made a rash, impulsive purchase), strawberry marshmallows are just fine.

6 Comments

  • Oh Anne…. I have now put my head down to cry. I was cautiously optimistic that you would come over to the healthy side with the baba ghanoush. But this!? You do see the package label, in EXTRA LARGE PRINT, that says “artificially flavored” don’t you? There are NO berries in there. And those non-existent berries did not turn those marshmallows pink. Just artificial colors and flavors someone decided would pass for berry flavor and color. You deserve better than a $0.14 bag of faux sugar “food”. Can’t write anymore. Tears are blurring my vision.

    Love, your Auntie Susan

    • I knew I would break your heart with this post. My apologies! Everything in moderation, though, right? Right? (Trying to convince myself of that…) :) You WILL be proud of me, though–I’m participating in the “wellness program” at work and have to eat 5! servings of fruits and veggies PER DAY. Crazytalk.

  • Seriously though, every once in a while you NEED to have some highly processed, artificially flavored, refined sugars just to let your body know how good it really has it. Or at least, that’s my unprofessional opinion.

    And Kevin would have felt morally obligated to buy ANYTHING marked down to $0.14.

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