One of my coworkers, Ed, is a MASTER at making top 10 lists. When a coworker has a birthday, celebrates an anniversary, or gets a promotion, Ed usually is there with a list of (VERY HUMOROUS) reasons why or how something came to be. Ed supplied this list of reasons to sing in a choir for the blog… get ready to laugh, cry, and groaaaaan. Here’s what he has to say:
“These are dangerous once you get started. Here are four sometimes conflicting lists gleaned from a church music mailing list.”
Top Reasons for Being a Soprano:
- The rest of the choir exists just to make you look good.
- Can you name an opera where an alto got the man?
- When sopranos sing in the shower, they know the tune.
- You are never going to sing the alto part by accident.
- How many world famous altos can you name?
- When the fat lady sings, she’s usually singing soprano.
- When you get tired of the tune, you can sing the descant.
Top Reasons for Being an Alto:
- You get really good at singing E flat.
- You get to sing the same note for 12 consecutive measures.
- No warm up needed to sing 12 consecutive bars of E flat.
- If the choir really stinks, it’s unlikely the altos will be blamed.
- You have lots of time to chat during soprano solos.
- You get to pretend that you are better than the sopranos, because everybody knows that women only sing soprano so they don’t have to learn to read music.
- You can sometimes find part-time work singing tenor.
- Altos get all the great intervals.
- When the sopranos are holding some outrageously high note at the end of an anthem, the altos always get the last words.
- When the altos miss a note, nobody gets hurt.
Top Reasons for Being a Tenor:
- Did you ever hear of anyone paying $1000 for a ticket to see The Three Basses?
- Tenors get high without drugs.
- Name a musical where the bass got the girl.
- You can show the sopranos how it SHOULD be sung.
- Who needs brains when you’ve got resonance?
- Tenors never have to waste time looking through the self-improvement section of the bookstore.
- When you get really good at falsetto, you can make tons of money doing voice-overs for cartoon characters.
- Gregorian chant was practically invented for tenors. Nobody invented a genre for basses.
Top Reasons for Being a Bass:
- You don’t have to tighten your belt to reach your note.
- You don’t have to worry about a woman stealing your job.
- Or a pre-adolescent boy.
- Action heroes are always basses. That is, if they ever sang, they would sing bass.
- You get great memorable lyrics like bop, bop, bop, bop (boong ching… boong chi-ching).
- If the singing job doesn’t work out, there’s always broadcasting.
- You never need to learn to read the treble clef.
- It doesn’t matter much if you get a cold.
- For fun, you can sing at the bottom of your range and fool people into thinking there’s an earthquake.
- If you burp while you’re singing, the audience just thinks it’s part of the score.
My church has a choir that sings regularly throughout the year, and every fall they print this in our bulletin to round up a few new unsuspecting members. I had to add these reasons to Ed’s list:
Top Reasons to Join the Church Choir:
- You never have to worry about what to wear.
- You have excellent seats and a reserved seat on all major holidays–including Christmas Eve and Easter!
- From your advantageous seat, you can gawk, smile, ignore, guess who’s sleeping, and otherwise enjoy the rest of the congregation.
- And finally, the minister is nearly always looking the other way.
Annnnnnndddd–there you have it! Be nice in the comment section (and in the choir loft)! ;)